


Et tu Brute

by pennysparrow



Category: DCU (Comics), The Flash (Comics)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Don't copy to another site, Gen, Roombas, i mean depending on what you consider canon, post barry being back from the "dead" but pre flashpoint, though this is pre52 compliant specifically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28673853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pennysparrow/pseuds/pennysparrow
Summary: Barry has a couple questions regarding the Batcave. Mainly, when did it get a roomba and so darn crowded?
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	Et tu Brute

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Carbon65](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carbon65/gifts).



> I'm SURE there are other (better) Batcave roomba fics but this is my own take on it. Blame Pigeon. This is completely her fault. 
> 
> TW for SUPER minor mention of blood

“What the-?” Barry shifted his momentum with ease, turning from where he’d been running towards the Batcomputer and Bruce waiting there for him to instead run towards the metallic object low to the ground and glowing a dull green he’d spotted out of the corner of his eye.

‘Is that a roomba? When did Bats get a roomba? Why did- Are those _knives_ strapped to it? And _kryptonite_?! Did Bruce do this? Or maybe it was one of the kids? And when did he get so many kids? _Where_ did he get so many kids? Was there an orphan supply outlet? Had he taken to just pulling them off the street? Was there a questionnaire involved? And why were they all so damn scary? Was that part of the training? Or maybe it was a requirement and part of the question-’ Barry’s train of thought came to an abrupt end as he overestimated how close the, frankly, terrifying looking roomba was and underestimated exactly how fast he was going. He didn’t manage to stop in time. Or well, he did but not cleanly. He tripped over the robotic cleaning device, tumbling across the floor of the Batcave in an embarrassing flail of limbs. He felt like a rookie as he sat up and spit dirt, and he was fairly certain guano, out of his mouth.

Barry hissed in pain as the shock of his fall wore off; feeling sharp, stinging burns at his ankles. He drew his legs up and glanced at his boots in shock. Tiny ribbons of bright red blood now stained the yellow and little cuts showed where the roomba had sliced right through the state-of-the-art material. His skin was already healed and the pain subsiding but Barry’s shock kept him rooted in place.

“Flash?” Batman questioned, a slight tone of annoyance undercutting the growl. Barry glanced up to see the cloaked figure looming above him.

Pushing his cowl back, and hoping it’d prompt Bruce to do the same, Barry stared in open mouthed shock. “I know a lot happened while I was in the Speedforce, but what the hell is that?” He pointed at the blade wielding vacuum as it puttered away from them.

“Expecting Alfred to waste so much of his time cleaning the Cave was just absurd,” Bruce said flatly, already turning around with a dramatic billow of his cape and stalking back towards the monitor. He still hadn’t taken his cowl off.

“Yes,” Barry agreed, pushing himself back to his feet at a normal pace because no way was he using super speed around that thing again, “but why are there _knives_ attached to it.”

“So it can defend itself should the Cave be breached.” Bruce’s tone didn’t change and while Barry could proudly say they’d been friends for close to two decades — and yes he was counting the years everyone thought he was dead because being dead didn’t meant you weren’t still friends — he honestly could not tell whether the other man was joking or not.

~

“When did Bruce get a roomba?” Barry demanded as soon as Hal was back on planet. The Green Lantern didn’t realize the alert that he’d returned had even reached the League and yet his best friend was appearing in his living room.

“Hi Barry, nice to see you too. Oh how was space? Great. You know, real majestic. Spent three whole days hiding in the woods on Tameran though. Why? Oh, I’m so glad you asked! See-”

“Hal,” Barry cut him off with an unimpressed look, “I got knifed. By Batman’s roomba.”

“Look man,” Hal sighed, crossing to grab a beer from his fridge because he was definitely going to need it for this conversation, “no one understands Brutus, everyone just lives in silent terror.”

Barry’s eyes practically bugged out as he collapsed on the couch. “It has a _name_?!”

Using a glowing green construct to pop open his beer, Hal shrugged and settled next to Barry. “Well yeah. The rest of his murder brood does, so why shouldn’t it.”

Barry’s look said he was very much not amused by this knowledge. And maybe a little horrified. Hal understood, coming back from being a super villain and then dead/the literal spirit of vengeance had been bad enough. Getting his ankles sliced open the first time he stepped foot in the Batcave after all that by a cleaning appliance was way worse.

~

Honestly, Wally still didn’t quite believe his uncle was really back. And it took him an embarrassingly long time to process whenever he saw Uncle Barry. Or, well, embarrassing for a speedster. Half a second was downright shameful. But Wally figured it was understandable. “Hey Uncle Barry,” he called brightly when he spotted the other Flash milling around the Watchtower after the monthly Justice League meeting.

Barry’s answering smile put Wally at ease, just like always, though something was clearly off. His uncle glanced around suspiciously before rushing over to fall in step with Wally. “Can we chat?”

“Of course?” Wally laughed.

Barry nodded once and gave a final glance around the hallway before leaning in. “What’s with Batman’s roomba?”

He couldn’t help it, Wally snorted. “Honestly? Who knows. It’s Batman.”

His uncle didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. “Ok, but when did he get it?”

Wally shrugged, tilting his head to the side as he tried to remember.

“And why’d he put knives on it?” Barry added hastily.

That shook something loose and had Wally cracking up. “I don’t know when exactly but the knives were all Robin. Well the old Robin, not the assassin baby,” he corrected hastily. “Not the old old Robin aka my Robin. Or the dead one. Well, first dead one. The third Robin. Kid Flash’s Robin. Uh, the second Kid Flash’s Robin.”

Grimacing, Wally could only hope Barry had followed that. Heck, he’d barely followed it and the words had come from his mouth.

He had a sneaking suspicion that he hadn’t as Barry put his head in his hands and began muttering. “Why does he have so many kids? Where in the world did he even find so many kids?”

~

A fierce hurricane had ravaged the Caribbean and Flash and Superman might not have been able to stop the natural disaster but they could certainly help rebuild. By lunch, the town they were currently in was cleared of debris and fresh water and electricity had been restored. The heroes were admittedly starting to get tired and agreed to the residents’ insistence they stay for lunch before moving on to the fifteenth or seventeenth town of the day.

Honestly, Barry was a little bit glad as he gratefully accepted a plate piled high with food and walked over to Clark – not wanting to spill anything – to settle on the ground next to him. They’d seen each other and gotten to catch up and certainly worked together over the past few months but they hadn’t actually hung out. Not that this could be considered hanging out, but it was close enough.

“Hey Supes,” he drawled happily, folding his legs under him and balancing his plate in one hand.

Clark positively beamed as he turned to him. “Flash, glad you could come.”

Barry couldn’t help it, he’d been handed the opportunity to brag about his nephew, grandson, and grandniece and he was going to take it. “Well Flash, Kid Flash, and Impulse have Central and Keystone more than handled.”

“They absolutely do,” Clark agreed, his tone edging towards solemn.

Warmth bubbled in his chest at the earnestness. A compliment from Superman was one of the highest forms of praise. A compliment from any members of the Trinity was. Which reminded him.

“Bats’ roomba,” Barry said suddenly, earning a raised eyebrow from Clark. “What’s with the murder roomba? Don’t think I didn’t notice the Kryptonite.”

A long sigh issued from the Kryptonian. “It’s Batman,” he said wryly, glancing over at Barry. “If it involves messing with us then he’s going to do it. Especially if it amuses his kids.”

“But it’s named?” Barry wasn’t ready to accept that as an answer. Especially since it seemed the only answer anyone could give him.

“Of course, it is,” Clark chuckled. “It even has its own count of victims. Hence, the Kryptonite.”

“I’m going to just have to get used to my ankles being attacked, aren’t I?” Barry sighed forlornly.

That earned him a laugh. “I think you can manage to avoid it. Besides, I’m pretty sure he purposefully sends it after the Green Lanterns, Green Arrow, and I.”

Barry lifted his head to shot him a skeptical look. “But he _likes_ you.”

“He likes his kids too, but who do you think is down there dealing with it the most?” Clark pointed out, smiling around his food.

“Ok, and _where_ did he get all the kids?”


End file.
